The Haunting Past: Nightmares of child abuse

The nights fall on my bed seeing me alone there
The dark and twisted clouds make their way to my windows
Winds keep on knocking my door
And storms, they cuddle me tight to the deep slumber.

Help help help
Please stop
I see myself naked and you touching me everywhere
My hands tearing your ears and lips and you still penetrating me
But you aren't the only one!!

My little pants were red next morning
To sit straight on the pot was excruciating
And my hands and ears were burning with heat

Maa maa!!
I cried and yelled with all my power
But my voice couldn't reach her.
The doors were locked and keys were thrown
You were again standing half naked at my bed corner.

Years passed and I am still haunted by the memories
My parents ignored and how you continued
I even felt this must be fine.
Your death wasn't just my freedom but the realisation

The pain wasn't in my organs
It was in my heart soul and mind.
You diminished my light and killed my inner child.

She ruffled my hair and moved on

She was standing at the opposite end of the road and waiting for the traffic lights to turn red. She looked familiar to my late grandmother. She crossed the road, came forward and stood close to me. The grace on her face wanted me to keep watching her moves. She was wearing a white elegant dress and was holding a nice bag. She was chewing her lips and giving perplexed facial expressions like my grandma did when she wanted something but was confused whether to ask for it or not. I saw the urge in her to say something but she was quite hesitant. The smile dissolved the barriers and she came closer.

She said, “Beta, I have lost my wallet, I have to travel to Vasant Kunj, Can you please help me with some money”. I wanted to help but denied rightway thinking she is trying to fool with her old age and glib words. Even after getting a no, she blessed me, smiled and moved on. I couldn’t resist stalking her. She was gazing at the road and looked more anxious. I moved towards her and offered money. Her smile wasn’t lost, she said, ‘’ Keep it son, I don’t want you to help with a doubtful mind. He (God) will show me the way”. I answered, “I don’t doubt you but I doubt myself. Keep it as this will make me happy, maybe He wants me to see the way too”. She ruffled my hair like a mother and moved on.

She didn’t need any help but she wanted to remove my doubts about being more receptive and human.

A conversation with the beggar with no legs.

A conversation with the beggar with no legs.

He was struggling to get up and relax himself to the side wall. He asked for help and people thought it was money he was asking for. He had been struggling to speak and communicate from the first day of his life. Born with no legs, he was useless to the human society and was thrown out of the house which he had no remembrance of now. Rarely he had food as he couldn't crawl to the road side stalls because of his body being infected with severe malnutrition.

For the thirty minutes of my presence there, he didn't look into my eyes and was gazing at the food and clearing his teary eyes. I served him with whatever I had, food, money and help. He had no stick to support him, no utensils and almost no clothes. 

People give me money but I can't use it, as it's difficult to reach the nearest place to eat. Sometimes I just want people to help me get up and take place under shelter but rarely I get a response. The dogs out there are my friends, they have fed me more than my mother and other humans. They come at night and sit beside me and sometimes hold my hand with their paws. There is no use of my life and I wish I get killed soon as the pain is not bearable. 

"It was the crowd making mundane purchase for the festival and didn't bother to give a look to someone waiting to die. No one shared a piece from their plate to feed the needy and expected prosperity in life. "

It is easy to ignore and ridicule but the real pride and enjoyment is in helping others.

I am 76 and my fate tortured me to the limits.

I was the most loved one in the family, my parents went to every saint and seer in Lahore they heard from others and asked for blessings to get a child. It was after the wait of eight long years they heard the cry of a baby in the house, before me all were born dead. I brought good luck and fortune in the house and after me, the family was blessed with four more healthy kids.

I was the pride and honour of the family. There were very few girls in the town who went to the school and I was the one getting the best education. The illiteracy of my parents didn’t stop them from getting their children educated. My father was a gold merchant and one of the richest and respected in the city. I was always surrounded by books which helped me create a world of what I wanted. By the age of seven I had studied what people study in their twenties. The wisdom provided by the books is invaluable and most of the decisions I have taken is from the learning from books.

People in my family had sensed the bad omens and we left the country before the bloodshed started in 1947. There was enough money to start a new business and the financial acumen of my learned father helped him establish a well and growing business in India. I continued my studies and experiments with the life. I was eight when we escaped the war and at fourteen I was asked to marry. The illness of the father and the kind approach of Amma forced me to say yes. I never believed in fate before marriage but the life had to show me what power it holds over humans.

I didn’t know cooking and never thought of even trying it. My parents never asked me to clean the house even. I thought life would be same like it was before marriage, my decisions, my books, wisdom, learning but within few years the great business of my husband crashed and we were bankrupt. The big house was taken away by the money lenders and we moved to a small hermitage. The giant family living in a small space and quarreling every night over petty issues.

There were no nuts in the breakfast now, there was no meals for some days. My husband was taken aback facing the fall and all his efforts to restructure were succumbed. By some means we gathered money which helped in feeding ourselves. I decided to pursue nursing course to have a better future but I couldn’t bear the cutting and killing of animals and that one wrong decision resulted into a big failure. I started working as a maid, washing utensils and cleaning house. Every penny I earned was filled with my patience to bear the harsh and cuss words.

There is fate son, there are things out of our control, I am 76 now and I am still working for the betterment of the family. My siblings are rich and happy and I was the one most knowledgeable in the house. I have two sons but if I stop earning the family will fall. I faced domestic violence and still have the marks on the body.

Life never stops, we cannot escape, one can simply smile at every problem to make it powerless. Don’t let your wrong decisions power your fate. Correct soon and don’t wait but never say you have complete control over life. At least I cannot say this, my smile is a veil to the wounds in my heart.

Kaleidoscope wheel: Life of a child

Daily clashes at home had created an aversion in her mind. After two years she came back with a hope to rejuvenate the family but nothing  ever worked. A dominant brother, an orthodox father and a kind hearted mother, family values and love seemed like something that only existed in neighbors house. Last night her brother went berserk and the outcome of the clamor was tears in everyone’s eyes.

Next day, to break the silence in the house the family decided visit India Gate at 10 in the night. Some places are known for night fun for families. The green gardens were filled with groups of people chatting and laughing crazily. Some old people with a silent smile, observing the movements around. Children juggling from one stall to the other. The sounds of laughter was buzzing in the silence of her mind and pushing the muddled thoughts out. She felt relieved.

A kaleidoscope at the roadside was catching the attention of the kids and formed a flock of juniors around it. Children were looking from the small openings on the hexagonal sides of the instrument. The excitement was visible in the giggling sound but there was one face which was dull and lost. A small boy who was spinning the wheel of the kaleidoscope and sitting on the opposite side of the crowd. He was watching people moving in groups, enjoying the mouthwatering dishes and laughing freely. Children pushing their parents to play with them.

The stillness on his face had a story but there was no one to listen. She ruffled his hair and talked to him for sometime. Sharing the sad is a power in itself and everyone needs it.

Beta thodi help karoge

The divine and devil originates from a common root and the seeds of both are present in every form .Life is surrounded by so much of fascinating things and almost everything lures. Craving and aversions go on making life complex. Many face the bad but some face the worst of it.

The huge market decorated with beautiful lights was pulling people like a magnet, filling colours in the life of those who get less time to be together and enjoy. Couples holding hands and smiling with elation. Children jiggling to the sweets shop and pushing parents for chocolates and cakes.Every table of cafe was occupied and wait list was increasing in numbers.The soft music was creating a trance with the cool breeze. Every day was celebrated like a festival there, small gatherings, people discussing their life and watching others enjoy.

But parking lot had a different story to tell. As we were passing through the cars a meek sound came “Beta thodi help karoge”. An old lady with thick spectacles and wearing dull suit was sitting with a support of a car. She had a major infection in her leg and even the bone was clear to the eye. Flesh has been eaten by the worms which were visible  from a distance. She was a victim of societal ignorance. She didn’t look like a beggar, may be she was thrown out by her family or may be she had none.

People moving around were avoiding to look at her. Their smile was their own, a selfish one. Suddenly the market appeared so dark, lights were dull and the decorations were haunting. The love visible there before became hypocrisy.

We can celebrate even after seeing someone in pain, avoidance is so easy. Share and care is an obsolete phenomenon. Even a small part of what is spent for enjoyment can change the life of those who need help but breaking the devil is not easy.

A 100 Square Feet Room

Half of the bed was piled up with the books and the other half was occupied by three people. A Bengali lady was cooking for the family. She entered the room and in no time space was created to make her sit on the bed. Mesmerizing smiles were seen on every face. Kids were questioning her like an interview and after every answer they looked at each other started giggling. She was served tea and offered some food which was one of the best she ever had. In no time she was a part of the family who loved being with others, sharing whatever they had and caring for no reason. The family bid goodbye and asked her to visit more.

As she stepped out and a distance was covered, her eyes were wet. She never welcomed anyone with elation. Never served others keeping herself hungry. Was it about the bigger house she owns and sleeps there alone. The aesthetic platter she had in every meal and ate alone. The next morning was the new life as she smiled seeing everyone. Sharing the food she made. Holding the kids of her maid in arms and kissing them. A messy room decluttered her life and brought her to bac.k to humanity